I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
