i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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