I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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