I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
