were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
