think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dear god my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
