I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix