If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.