I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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