I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
