I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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