According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
