I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
