Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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