I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
