Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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