Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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