He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
