So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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