so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
