hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
