Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
