I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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