He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
