I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
