You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
