I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
