im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
