3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
