Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
