btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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