She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
