i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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