it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
