Did we literally take a cab across the street
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
