i jhust puked up my retainher.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
