I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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