Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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