My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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