she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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