my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
