the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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