My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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