have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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