he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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