What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
