Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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