just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
