You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
