I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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