He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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