You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Sober January is a disaster.
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
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How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I supernannyed him into submission
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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