when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
