If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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