I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
