Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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