how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
