is your mom at the bar?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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